She's gone....
They say it will go away.. they say with time things will get better..
They say you will love again someday..
Yea..
I hate it though... i wish i didn't have to wait for things to get better...
they were better.... everything was fine everything was great...
I loved her, she loved me what more did i need other than her by my side..
in my arms... that hairspray smell.. the sweetest kiss from the softest of lips..
the warmth of her head on my shoulder...
gone....
I wanted to give this girl the world... i wanted to show her life will get better.. that when i get home she will never have to be sad, that she will never have to worry cause as i had always said... i got this..
but now..
i dont have it... ive lost it... where's my motivation... I know she would want me to keep going... but how does one go on when 3/4's of their heart and soul are gone.. i gave her my everything with just a little to myself cause that's all i needed..
i am truly sorry for all the wrongs i might have cause and the pain i may have caused you for not being there when i needed to be... my selfishness... my need to know about your business... iam sorry..
crazy i speak as if you are here... i want to think your just somewhere else and will be back but more and more i come to the conclusion that this is not so... i look at all these pictures... i remember every single moment in those pictures... what i said, what i was saying, what we were talking about, what was going on... what happened after thos pictures, before thos pictures... i remember it all... it pains me cause i feel i may never has as much happiness as i did in those photos..

I hate how much time i have alone... how much time i have by myself to just sit....
sit and ponder about things that eat me inside... things that twist the veins in my heart making it hard for me to understand and keep going...
i know thats not what you want...
the last thing you told me before i boarded the plane... "Make me proud baby, I love you!" rings over and over in my head...
I wish maybe things would have been different...
I wish i would have actually asked you... put that on your finger...
maybe then... just maybe you would have looked down and thought about who it is to be by your side till our final days together many many years down the road....
I can't blame myself i know this... i just sometimes don't know how i should be handling it... I need my friends by my side... I need those friends right here....
so i owe a good fuck you to the government for making my life just that more stressful and distant from my loved ones...
14.....
14 more months and i can be where i am needed and wanted... where i come even close to feeling whole again..
san diego... who would have thought......
i am sorry for those who may read this and disappoint but i just need something to do... something to write... i just want someone to hold... tell me everythings going to be alright and full heartedly trust...
sometimes i wish i was like thos people who can talk to ghosts... just so i can hear her voice... the one thing that can put me at ease... put my thoughts to rest and my mind in focus.... to tell me one last accepting time... i love you...